Feelings I Don’t Want.

Life is good.  I am beyond blessed in so many ways.  And even though everything seems to be perfectly falling into place, there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t feel haunted.

My past feels like a lifetime ago.  It honestly feels as though it could have been someone else’s life.  I’ve reached the point in which I cannot even imagine memories anymore.  Sometimes I think the ability to forget or consciously forget is just another one of God’s blessings.  I’m thankful that I cannot remember how stupid I used to be.

However, lately, I keep having these nagging feelings of envy.  My marriage is amazing, my children are growing so quickly and they truly are good kids, and our family is strong.  But sometimes I find myself looking at other families and wishing that we were just as they are…meaning just us.  I wish that we could be our own family with no other outside variances to ever hinder it.  I know that divorce naturally creates division.  I just wish that it didn’t, and I know that is unrealistic.  Yet lately, when I’m not shamefully green with envy of un-blended families, I am finding myself jealous of situations that are even sadder…fathers that just up and leave and don’t care about their kids.

I’m a monster, right?

This woman yesterday was giving my friend and I advice on raising children.  She was telling us her secrets to having amazing teenagers.   She told us her background and how life was hard.  Her husband left her and wanted nothing to do with his two children, so she was left to raise a 7 and 9 year old all by herself.  She worked hard and taught her children morals and love.  When her son turned 18, he went to court and legally changed his name back to his mother’s maiden name.  “People say that a name is just a name, but there is a lot in a name,” she said.  I silently agreed and was instantly disheartened and jealous.

I was jealous of this wonderful woman who had the opportunity to raise her kids exactly as she wanted, without any outside variances. When I hear people talk of this situation in a negative aspect, I just want to tell them how unknowingly blessed they are.  I cannot say that it’s easier, because who am I to make a statement like that?  But my secret self, the one I don’t want anyone else to know about, believes it is…and I am ashamed to say that I wish for that situation.

God blessed me with an amazing husband that came into my life in His perfect timing and chose to raise my children as his own.  He loves them and wants everything for them that he wants for our child we’ve had together.  I am thankful for that beyond words.  But it is SO challenging when you have this outside variance called a biological father.  Especially when he is a man-child with (what I believe to be) a personality disorder.

People are his pawns.  He is the most manipulative person I have ever met.  I wish that he would just go away.  I wish that he would want nothing to do with his children.  Sometimes I think that they are the only thing in his life that he feels he can still manipulate and control.  He tells them not to listen to their step dad because he is not their father.  He tells them that J doesn’t love them because he is not their real dad.  When Ana says her full name and hyphenates our last name after her’s, he tells her that that will never be her last name.  He tells them that my husband’s family is not their family.

Who does that?  Who wishes to confuse a poor, innocent child like that?  Who uses his own children?  Of course, all of the above is denied, but my kids have reached the age that they tell me.  Mason was crying last week and I asked him why he was crying and he said, “I love Jj but he doesn’t love me.”

“Why would you think that?  J loves you very much,” I said with my heart aching.

“My dad tells me Jj doesn’t love me and that he hates me. But I love Jj.”

I told him that his dad says bad things and that they are untrue.  I told him that his dad is just a very angry person and that he will continue to say things in the future that are not true.  I told him I love him and J loves him and even though our family is different, we are a family.  I told him to believe that in his heart, along with all the things we tell him and that when his dad says things like that, to ignore it and choose to believe what he knows in his heart.  It’s just so sad because these thoughts must have been brewing inside his little head for who knows how long because he hadn’t seen his dad at that point in over a week.

Although I never say this,  I will blog it.  To any of you who are disheartened because your partner or husband left you…because your father left you…consider it a blessing.  You are able to raise your kids exactly how you choose with no one trying to tear down your hard work.  You are able to teach them love and strength without someone trying to selfishly instill lies.  Perhaps you were spared things you cannot imagine had your father stayed.

I trust that God knows exactly what He is doing in my life.  But sometimes, more often than not, I wish my ex would be like 90% of other men that up and leave, especially if all he does is try to destroy a child’s heart.  I wish that my children didn’t have to pay the consequences of my poor decisions as a teenager, although without those mistakes, I wouldn’t have them.  They are grace to me and completely undeserved.  I don’t know if it is right to pray for their father to just go away.  Actually when I type it out in black and white, I know I’m not supposed to pray things like that.  My confusion is that if he is not going to contribute to his children in a positive way, then what is the purpose he has in being involved?  What are his intentions?  I don’t want my kids to grow and hate him, but I know they will if he remains as he is.

Does anyone know how to make a man-child, manipulative, lying, control freak grow up?


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