Life

Tit for Tat. Happy Friday:)

Do not sit in the last seat of a school bus.

This should be on your list of doctor’s orders to avoid while pregnant, and not because the CONSTANT bumps will make you a tad nauseous, but because it is just down right dangerous.  20 minutes into the ride I had to abandon my 2 boys I was chaperoning in an effort to save my unborn child’s life.  Another bit of advice?  Don’t pursue your overzealous ambitions while pregnant.  They are just another mood swing.  Chaperoning a field trip to an aquarium, when you have a wild child already, is absolutely exhausting and no fun at all.  I had this whole preconceived idea that Mason and I would have this fantastic “mommy and son” day that we never have, but instead, it was me desperately trying not to lose two hyperactive boys running and yelling in separate directions.  It was me pleading with Mason to only use the “two finger” touch and to stop trying to pick the sharks up by the fin or grab sting rays by the tail.  And I could tell he thought I was a total buzz-kill.  Womp womp.  Now I know.  If I want one on one time with Mason, I cannot compete with 100 other first graders and sharks.

Another piece of advice: when visiting the Cafe at Wegman’s in an effort to prevent a meltdown, because you have been bullied by life into grocery shopping at lunchtime (with a toddler), is to steer clear of the Spicy Chicken at the Asian Wokery.  Longest run-on sentence ever.  If you have a craving for Chinese, don’t try to satisfy it with this.  You will sit down, all excited to eat Chinese, try to take a bite, and wonder what that foul smell is….like nose-burning urine in a porti-potty.  You’ll take a bite, realize it tastes almost as bad as it smells, and not be able to eat anything else for hours.  So maybe this will actually help you?  Maybe you will want to indulge in Chinese, pick one of the “healthiest” selections available, smell it, and say, “Yes, this is how I feel every time I eat Chinese and I don’t really want this.”  Rarely do I ever have anything negative to say about Wegman’s, but they have gotten this dish all wrong.  I’ve noticed it before and written it off as a bad batch.  It’s not.  The spicy chicken smells like a Johnny-on-the spot.  That is EXACTLY what it smells like and I know this because at a recent family campout, I had to use one.  In the future, every time I have the urge to eat this, I will associate it with the feeling of holding my breath while trying desperately to hold a squat in a contraption that grown men apparently become like that of a 6 year old inside of, when it comes to aim and cleanliness.

Moving on, Zac Effron broke his beautiful jaw.  How?  Oh, he just slipped on a puddle.  It just goes to show you that the beautiful ones have never had to use their brain for anything in life.

I am also excited about a new reality show, starring Donny and Mark Walberg.  I had the biggest crush on Donny when I was in second grade (barf,) and it will just confirm all of my bad taste in men until I was 25.  Mark Walberg on the other hand, is a gem and my number two favorite actor, trailing only behind Hugh Jackman, and slightly ahead of Denzel Washington and Samuel L. Jackson.

And finally, I will end my rants with the upcoming, “Fifty Shades of Grey” movie.  This movie is going to be awful, regardless of who they cast.  The fact that so many people are concerned with it is beyond me.  Like all movies, the book is always better, and the book was terrible!  There was a minimal story line, with an unrealistic amount of sex.  The only book of the three that was somewhat decent was the second.  I read it because it was the talk of my clientele and created a ton of conversations that were hilarious, but in all honesty, no one can say that it had a decent plot or was really that gripping.  Making it into a movie is going to create a parental hell to all of those with promiscuous teenagers.  Not to mention, why don’t we all just go to the movies and watch porn?  I mean, really…how are they going to possibly depict it any other way?  Any other way will change the craze of why women loved the book to begin with, and you have yet another stupid romantic movie with no substance. I will drop one final bomb on you:  there is NO Christian Grey.  He was the figment of a sex-deprived woman’s imagination, that had entirely too much time on her hands to fabricate unrealistic men and being honest, I am a little concerned she’s a serious pervert.

There you have it.  Happy Friday!

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